The Journey

I waited for the wave of emotions to hit. Nothing. The wind blew past, the scenery was picturesque. I was quietly content and overall feeling tired but happy. No tears of joy, no overwhelming sense of accomplishment and relief, nothing. Instead of a rollercoaster or bombardment of anything, it was akin to being in a boat in the middle of a glass calm lake. 

Summiting Mount Whitney after the High Sierra Trail had wave after wave of happy tears rolling down my face. Calls to family had them worried that something bad had happened as I could barely speak from crying so much. Surely, while not as crazy as summiting the highest peak in the contiguous country, I should feel something after 310+ miles and 27 days in the backcountry.

Finishing the short but harrowing experience of the Maroon Bells in Colorado had me so emotionally exhausted from the experience I questioned whether backpacking was a hobby I wanted to continue. It wasn’t a positive emotion but rather a deep contemplative one bordering deep sadness and feeling greatly insecure about my capabilities as a hiker. I didn’t expect the Superior Hiking Trail to have negative emotions at the end, but surely if the Maroon Bells could elicit something why couldn’t this?

I struggled a lot with the lack of emotion at the end of the Superior Hiking Trail. Why am I not overwhelmingly happy with such an accomplishment? I could even understand if I struggled with disappointment at not being able to do the Border Route and the Kek, but there was also a shortness to that feeling as well. Am I broken somehow?

The more I contemplated, the more confused I got. I know that completing the SHT is no small feat, I know this first hand. I felt as if it was the reverse of the High Sierra Trail. While I had a lot of emotions during the trail, it was the end at the top of Whitney when it all came to a finale and it was overwhelming. On the Superior Hiking Trail, there was a constant rollercoaster of emotions and when it finally ended it felt like the subtle epilogue at the end of the book. 

Following trail logs from hikers on other trails, I learned I wasn’t the only one struggling with a lack of emotion after a long hike. They were as confused as I was. One of them put it in a way I think nailed it on the head, this trail was about the journey, not the goal. 

The High Sierra Trail is all about surviving the Sierras. There is no bail out point, you either turn around and trek back the way you came or keep going forward. As if it’s a survival tactic the brain needs to focus on the goal, just getting to the end. Even at my lowest point on that trail when I was febrile, vomiting, and very obviously sick, I was numb to the emotion of potentially not summit Whitney. I had to focus on getting my ass to the end. Thinking about it that way, of course I was so emotional on Whitney.

The Superior Hiking Trail is the polar opposite. There are ample, if not too many bail out points. It’s a constant mental battle to not throw in the towel and just quit. Every. single. day. was a mental and emotional battle to keep going and not take the easy out. So naturally, at the completion it didn’t seem to be a big deal that I hadn’t quit. I had been waging that battle every day on trail. Having to choose to stay on trail everyday was a unique challenge I had never faced until this trail.

While this clarity has helped with a level of satisfaction after trail, I’m no longer disappointed with the lack of emotion at 270 Degree Overlook. It does make me think about how I will view future trails. Do I hold the High Sierra Trail in higher regards than the Superior Hiking Trail? It was very much a solid type 2 fun followed by a torrential feeling of accomplishment, whereas, the Superior Hiking Trail is likely still a type 2 fun (jury is undecided at this time) with a subtle feeling of accomplishment. Maybe over time, the Superior Hiking Trail will morph in my head into the viewpoint of legend like the High Sierra Trail had. Only time will tell.

270 Degree Overlook (Northern Terminus of SHT)

---

More Short Essays from the Trail

---